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Sunday, March 26

Let the smoke from the incense bring up your thoughts

It has been 15 yrs since my grandfather (father side) died. In line with the qing ming period, we went down to pray.

Once again i looked at his photo. He just look so cool. Nonetheless, I don't know how i shld feel. There are only a few memories i have of him. Superman lantern with purple hair, kites, bananas, swings and conversation in dialect i had with him (i vaguely rmb that i can speak dialect when i was young). There are so many questions i wanted to ask him...

Will be going down to malaysia to pray grandmother (father side) next week. It has been more than half a century since she died. At times i wondered, if she was able to live just a little longer, maybe 10 yrs or so, how much will my father character will change?
My mother always reasoned that it was because his mother died when he was very young that lead to how he behave today. Is it a good thing>? That set me off thinking of serveral other things and people... ...

|[ zofz | 3:38 PM ]|

Monday, March 20

magic box!

It was super hilarious this afternoon. Once again, i was doing some out of the norm stunt.
It all happened in our storeroom when we, nv wk, yk and me, were practicing some equipment on our own.

Nv suddenly asked,'what is this box for?' Pointing at a big black box at the coner.

The big black box is actually just an empty box to put items inside. It was in the store all along, just that i took it out from its original packaging last last week. Anyway, in order to show that theres nothing inside, i opened the box and took out all the sponge from inside.

This is when the dare started...
"can you fit yourself into the box?' one of them said, i cant rmb who.

I looked around and told nv to close the storeroom door. And there i went! Just like those magic shows, the magicians would squeeze themselves into a super-inhumanly-possible- to fit-into- box. I performed my most sexy pose, with both my legs wide apart and head stretching down to touch the bottom.

Wk managed to clip lock the box with me inside.
nv and yk started to take video of that.
I managed to fit into the BOX!
The video was super funny abt me popping out of the magic box. Don't know how to upload online, so fans just approach me if u want to have a look.

ps. i broke another door today...haha)

|[ zofz | 8:35 PM ]|

Sunday, March 19

Shut Up!

Just Shut up! Since when you have the right to say such things abt ttd?

ttd is strong, pure and spirited. Totally unlike the weakling you mentioned before, the weakling who run and hide away from all his problems. Don't you dare compare ttd, for he is who he is, thats what made him so special. Ttd is unlike any normal human who dwells in their problems and use the problems and saddness as an excuse for the things they done, for he is strong and positive.

U better don't underestimate him i say. Ttd is spirited, he does not brag abt his problems to the entire world and hopefully someone will pity him. True, he is attention seeking, but he always brag abt things that are positive, always. He is marvelous, he has the ability to make other's sky turn clear and their ocean glitter.

He is the wind
The wind like breath
The wind that fight against you
The wind the dries away your tears
The wind that ease all your tiredness.

No doubt there are times in which he may be troubled,nonetheless he is able to recover almost immediately. His positive attitude to everything is the source of motivation for everyone. Thus you can't defeat him that easily, he is invincible.

Ttd doesn't need anyone to make him smile today or to give him a surprise to brighten up his day, for he is already living in happiness and he is the one who bring smile to others. He is that special. Just like the sunflower that watch over all those people around him. So u just shut up and don't write such things abt him again.

The most perfect and pure person i've never met. His entire world is just like a wonderful bubble that will never burst. Fun, enjoyable and happy. He will not allow anyone to do anything to burst it. That was why all his fans are envious abt him and his life. You of all people shouldn't be jealous.

Ttd is dependable, call for him and he will be there. Everybody likes him.

His courage will change the world, one day. Why are you always there to pull him down? He is pure, you are the one who make him feel dirty and disgusted.

Out you go! don't you ever come back again. He has already spent 2 yrs fighting with you and lost. And once he lost himself, he will find himself again. He has become stronger than before, and will be able to defeat you anytime. He has the words you always wanted to hear deep in your heart. And one of these days when he tell you those words, you will at last be checkmated.

|[ zofz | 12:31 PM ]|

Friday, March 17

disgusted

I'm disguested with myself. Feel so dirty.

It has been quite a few weeks since i've been behaving how i am behaving now. Keeping my expressions (and emotions) in place, giving out a blank expressionless face to everyone i met. Simple reason, i wanted to hide.

I dont want to show a sad face for everyone to see, causing everyone who is concerned to start asking me what is wrong. Nor i wanted to pretend nothing happen and start smiling, laughing and becoming the deception of beauty i always despise... i've got no energy for that anyway.

I'm talking things very slowly, moving like a zombie. Too tired to do anything. Yet i worked all day. Someone asked me why am i doing all these stuff, i just told them i like to get things done. Nonetheless, the main reason was doing it for myself, i want to keep myself occupied. Disgusting

I'm disgusted. Been laughing just for the sake of laughing. Saw the picture i've taken of myself smiling at lauch of ydc, my smile seemed so fake.

I've called for my friends for help, to keep me sane (or how i use to be) just for a few mins or so. There aren't many who has the ability to make me smile today. Yet i'm still unwilling to share the entire story of my problems. I'm hinting my entire fans that i'm sad, yet i refuse to tell them wats wrong. I'm disgusted of myself.

I used to have activities that i can do to let me stop thinking totally for the entire 2 hrs. 2 hrs of peace for a sum of money, i'm willing to pay. But i dont really have the luxary of time anymore.

I've reached the brim (once again) this week. I've started scolding people with harsh words. Poor yg,wk,yk and nv who are my campmates to name a few. YK and Nv didn't bear the grudge cos they were the only two i've leaked out a few of my problems and they are understanding people. wk is just too thick skin to realise that i'm scolding him and using him to vent my frustration. That left yg who was angry with me as i lost my temper at him.

Before i realised it, I'm using those people around me as a tool, a tool to make me feel better. I'm so disgusted...

|[ zofz | 8:18 PM ]|

Thursday, March 16

ghost

The 930 news showed a report regarding a case occured last yr regarding the couple found dead in the car at a carpark at choa chu kang.
I was having my driving lessons few weeks ago at that particular carpark when the guiding pole mysteriously toppled down. It was most prob due to the strong wind,but since we were in the car, it seemed to us that a strange force pushed the pole down one by one.

It was then my instructor asked,'Are you afraid of ghost?'

I was driving in the carpark when he asked me that question. The question took me by surprise and suddenly many thoughts came to my mind. My braked for a few second just to think.

The question has double meaning. Literal: are you afraid of ghost?
hidden meaning: do you believe in ghost?

Since you need to believe in ghost in order to be afraid of them. I was stunted due to the hidden meaning. For a second, my mind was analysing "what is a ghost?"
Honestly, it had been quite sometime since i've stopped to think (or to be afraid) of such things. Just like an old friend you met along the street that u need to stop to recall his or her name.

Once my mind registered what is a ghost, i start to process 'am i afraid of ghost?'.
I'm more afraid of things that was happening right before me than to be that i've yet to see.

The fear i had few weeks ago still persist. just that i'm already numbed by it. I'm doing things very slowly recently, like a zombie.. ... fear...

|[ zofz | 10:03 PM ]|

Goodnight, Byebye, Goodbye

No one ever realised how i ended off conversation, in particular these three words "Goodbye,byebye and Goodnight"

... ..
*too tired to continue writing, to be continued

|[ zofz | 3:20 PM ]|

Monday, March 13

smoke

was walking around tampines today when i saw a guy sitting at a cafe asking the waitress if he can smoke there. That scene suddenly reminded of an incident happened few weeks ago, an incident so embarressing that i hid it in deep inside my subconscious.

I was at our camp canteen with wk and yk eating our breakfast. There were people from other unit, eating breakfast as well.
We were chatting happily when we were interrupted by the people sitting beside.

"do u guys smoke?' he asked, waving his cigarette in his hand.
"no," we said
"ok," he stood up and walked away
"its ok actually," yk said immediately
He walked away

At that moment, we were thinking how considerate that smoker is to ask around if those people around him are comfortable with him smoking.
Then i started praising loudly, hoping that the smoker can hear our compliments,"how nice of him, if everyone can be like him the world will be a wonderful place..."

It was around this moment, yk who was sitting across me (facing the direction the smoker went) narrowed his eyes and spoke,"guess like we are wrong..."
Before i know it, i smell the choking sensation of smoke.. The smoker slowly walked back to his seat with a lited cigarette.

The power of words can be so deceiving.

lesson learnt:
"do you guys smoke?" => do u guys have a lighter
"no," => DO I LOOK LIKE A SMOKER TO U?
"ok," => how useless can u be
"its ok actually," => get LOST

Feel like slapping that guy... ..

|[ zofz | 8:44 PM ]|

Sunday, March 12

Another random thoughts

seriously got no time to think properly these few days. Too many things, too little time..
jotting some random thoughts down to sum up my entire week

1) really tired these few days, can fall asleep within a min once i closed my eyes. REally.

2a) posb sent me a letter regarding my transactions. spent an average of $500 per month on average for the past 4 months.. this month will surely increase. I'm writting down all my expenditure down from now on.
b)my wallet is overflowing with receipts, reaching critical stage i would say. Any more receipt will surely burst my wallet. Its abt time i clear some receipt...

3) I'm not bluffing whenever i said things tend to spoil easily with me around. My office door handle and my storeroom door mysteriously spoilt. It just so happened that i was the last person to access to both rooms. Everyone was staring at me during the scening of the movie skyhigh last week when the main character broke his house door upon receiving his powers.

4)My most direct boss (which i think i've never mentioned before) is going to leave me to join other platoon soon. his name is jy. so sad. Its amazing how similar our character is. We were paired together base on the personality test in the first place. He had no better week than me. On top of our very disappointing and tiring exercise, his car got accident and his son got sick. For the first time, i saw him acting how i will act when i'm at such a situation, attention seeking.

5) Darmend called 10 mins before i was abt to go for my exercise. He was dispaired i must say. Problem with his house and his mother is all alone. Feel like bringing him out to vent out his frustration, a little badminton or tennis will do the trick...

6) i found myself suddenly lost in my thoughts very frequently these few days. And before i know it, i was laughing with myself. A typical scene in those drama which the main character was day dreaming and started grinning to himself only to realise that the entire classroom was looking at him. For my case, only andrew took notice of my weird behaviour, 3 times to be exact.

|[ zofz | 12:32 PM ]|

Sunday, March 5

launch

Today was the launch of a club, youth donor club. Basically, there were 1) skaters roller blading down heeren pasting stickers at people, 2) photographers taking photos at people around and 3) recuiters promoting this club to the public.
I ended up doing all three.

Yah, its eunice olsen in the dark photo.

|[ zofz | 12:38 AM ]|

Wednesday, March 1

box of chocolate

was in the office the whole of yesterday. So bored to the entent that there seemed to be no more other internet sites i can visit. It was then i decided to view the history to see what other sites other users have been viewing for the past few days. It was then i found myself at the blog of one of my signallers, gy.

On his blog, that day, he mentioned something like '8 more months, 240 more days. And after which life will be like a box of chocolate... "
I seriously don't understand why people like him feel this way. Is life so horrible for him, so much so that he hopes for the end so much? Certainly, in army there is always ups and downs, but isn't it same everywhere else? What makes him so sure that life after army will be heaven compare to now?

I don't like people who are counting their days. It really shows that they feel that they are wastiung their time doing whatever they are doing at this present moment. And if they feel this way, this will be their way. And very soon, they will say ' i've wasted 2 yrs of my life, how i wish i can start all over again and make my life more fulfilling'
Seriously, why don't they just tresure their time now? enjoy every sad and happy part of it as we all know whats over will soon be over and the same moment will not come back again..

The phrase he typed suddenly reminded me of something i've heard before. "A bird in a cage will not yearn for its freedom if the cage is totally covered. For its entire world is the cage. It is only when the cover is lifted, the bird will yearn to be free and want to escape. What it doesn't know was the eagle outside."

I'm so hungry now... wheres my chocolate...

|[ zofz | 2:42 PM ]|