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Tuesday, January 31

lucky lucky

My boss gave all of us in the unit $1 worth of toto lottery packed inside a red packet last week.
As i always knew, unhappy people are always lucky. Yah, won something in today's draw. Another lunch money saved.
How nice of him... ...

(ps i never bought or even involve in toto before)

|[ zofz | 1:34 AM ]|

Monday, January 30

lobster meal!

ended up didn't invite ganesha. We had lobster meal for lunch, and another one for dinner... ... Too good a meal to share with him. haha..

Before i forgot, this yr is the yr of the dog. My sister's and mother's yr.

I couldn't help thinking that my mother gave birth to my sister at my sister's age. Its like just as my sister's career just started not long ago, my mother ended hers at the same age. For the next 20 yrs of her life, she given up all her aspirations and enjoyment and become what she is today.

Cant help feel that life is very short.

Back to my lobster meal topic. We have been eating together for the past 3 days. I was rather grateful that at least we are still eating together. There are people i know who doesn't have such luxary as i do. I must be grateful. I ate and ate and ate and ever get tired~!

Merry chinese new yr~!

|[ zofz | 10:33 PM ]|

just another day

Its the second day of chinese new yr. Mother is cooking lobster for lunch. Looking forward to it.
Ganesha has been pastering me to let him come to my house for days. Maybe i'll, after i finish eating all my lobsters and goodies later. yum yum... ...

|[ zofz | 12:39 PM ]|

serving

During the eve of cny or even the day before, i've been on the sales business inwhich i'm selling clothes to people. Those who know me well will know why, i wouldn't elaborate.

I've sold items which add up to thousands of dollars throughtout the day and served more then $100 customers. Most of them i've forgotten how they look like, nevertheless there are a few which gave me very deep impressions.

1) One of them was the middle age lady who i served two yrs ago. She was wearing black with blue jean material shorts. She came to me to buy a pair of westen pants at around 9pm during chinese new yr eve.
Her hair was messy, her face seems older than she should be, tired and worn out. The black shirt and shorts of hers were old and torn and dirty. In another words she was really poor. Of cos as someone who is doing sales we will recommend the most expensive goods we have first, and so i offered the $100 type pants to her. Her face immediately saddened. From what i inferred, it was too expensive for her. Nonetheless, she seemed deperate to buy a western pants.
'Its for my husband' she said sadly in chinese,'i'm buying for him for chinese new yr'
At that time, ours was the only shop that was in the district which was open.

Feeling sorry for her, i brought her to the shelf which sold pants at great discount. I can see her beaming with joy when she knew about the orginal price and the price it was selling. Eventually she choose a nice black westen pants. She digged into her pockets and took out the notes, it seemed to me that that was all she got.

I was filled with both joy and saddness then. All she wanted was to buy her husband a pair of pants for cny. Its rather hard to describe the effort this lady had made to choose a perfect pair of pants for her husband. It was so late at night and the lights were weak, and there she was scanning each and every pair slowly and carefully one by one. Spending away all she had just for her love.

2) another of them were an old couple. Don't know if they were the same one, but i've served one two yrs ago and another few days ago. Can rmb the exact description but the things they had done were exactly the same.

it was also at night then, an old couple in their 70s or 80s (i cant really tell, but they were really very old to the extent that walking was a tedious task for them) came to buy shirt. Both couples seemed rather poor as well. I couldn't bear myself to sell expensive goods to them so i referred them to the cheaper ones straight. The old lady (both times) slowly picked the shirt of her likings and unwrapped it then laid over the man's shoulder to see if it fits.

As a salesman, we always recommend people not to unwrap the goods as this a) we will need to wrap the goods up again if the customer doesn't wants it b) will not look as new upon repacking.
Nevertheless, seeing the difficulty there were having in unwrapping as they have no hands to support themselves while doing so, i unwrap the plastic case willingly. While doing so i was thinking, 'why were these old couples shopping alone so late during cny eve? don't they have reunion dinner? where were their childen? dont they have a child to bring them around?"

Despite all those negative thoughts i had about them, i was rather happy for them, 'at least they were together.' They were already so old and they were oout shopping at night together just to buy something new for the yr for each other.

3) Lonely man.
Few days ago, he was one of my last customer for the yr. Wearing grey shirt and short.
When i first hear him talking (in chinese), i thought he was midly retarded or something as its as thought he has difficulty in his speech. It was only when i start to have long conversation with him regarding what type of shirt he wants, he unconsciously started speaking quickly in dialect.
For sure, he is not well educated. He speaks simple chinese, having a hard time to say the word "tight" in chinese. He knows i don't really understand dialect and yet he couldnt resist the urge of speaking out his thoughts. I had no choice but to try my best to make out what he was saying.

I dont think he is married or has a family. 'He shouldn't be here alone if he possesses either of those' i thought. He reminded me of another old man who shopped alone moments eariler whom i dare not serve as he seemed glumpy and sad and doesnt speak my language at all. That man was poor as well, he likes specific brands and colours and size. I had a hard time in searching the shirt he liked. Finally found one he liked, he wore it straight. He was wiggling inside it so happily, commenting how comfortable it is and how much he liked the shirt. Rather hard to imagine a man in his 30s or 40s doing such actions.

Certainly, that guy is a sad and lonely person, little things make him happy. Will i be like him?

|[ zofz | 2:11 AM ]|

cny

Suddenly missed the old days during cny when all relatives came together for steamboat.
The adults would set up their majong table and played for days.
Children would go out to the playground to play games like catching, 7up. At times we will go out together for cny events like the riverside thingy or cycling at the beach and to return back only to realise that the adults were still playing. Ended up all of us will have to lay mattress to sleep over together till the next day.

Cny eve, we bought 2 sets of the kfc prosperous meal ($19.90 x2) for reunion dinner.
cny, i woke up at 130pm ate mac chicken for lunch(/breakfast) and our family went to the take a stroll beside esplande. we went to marina square to eat beef noodles... reunion dinner i guess.

Thats that for this yr cny i think. I wouldn't wish for things tol get better, but hope things wouldn't get any worst.

I think i'm starting to accept this feeling of being miserable, at least i'll feel super happy over small things.

I'm going malaysia alone next week. Taking a breather for once again, anyone joining me?

|[ zofz | 1:54 AM ]|

Sunday, January 29

unhappy people are always lucky

'unhappy people are always lucky'
this is the phrase that popped out from my mind since beginning of the week.
Perhaps i'm just trying to make myself happier.

For once i've accepted the fact that i'm sad, something that i never admit before. And that was why i've been doing what i've been doing for the entire week. One unhappy person in this world is enough and let it be me... ... maybe i'm doing so just to make me feel better ba.

After becoming the one i've always hate, i guess i'm starting to understand why my father behave in that way. I'm slowly accepting the things he is doing. You can never hate yourself, i think.
He didn't comment much for the things i've done for him during the past few weeks. Either way i'm doing it willingly, for he needed my help and there are things that only i can do for him.

Our family gathered at The Shop once again during this eve. It is a yearly thing in which all of us after completing our morning events all over singapore, would meet over there. This meeting wasn't as joyous as before... the only one who is happy i would say is my brother who i don't think knows our situation well... or is he doing what i've always been doing in the past?

For me, if i can't go agaist sadness, i'll join it and change it from inside.

Haaven been sleeping well for last week as well. i'll be sleeping thoughout cny...

|[ zofz | 12:44 AM ]|

Sunday, January 22

Becoming what you always hate

People say that there are some telepathy connection among family members. I feel that it is true. At times i 'see' them coming thru the door or round the corner to my line of sight only that they really do so a few seconds later.

Perhaps i am trying to find a logical explanation for my losing of sleep...

Back to the topic. Mother called me this morning. Just as i thought it was those normal 'have u eaten' call, she was calling me to complain that both father and herself were unable to sleep during the entire week, both were very stressed. And she started rattled on about stuff like getting ready for another funeral, be prepared, get ready. It was the first time she say something like that. Couldn't help it but to be convinced that another vision of mine came thru, or should i say nightmare that i had. The entire world seems to be collapsing, for months at least. Just that no one in our family have the courage to admit it.

When i showed my sadness, those people around me will be concerned and very soon become sad as well. But when i start doing silly things or say strange stuff, others will start laughing and in a way happy. That is why, i can't rmb how long was it ago, that i've been behaving the way my close friends see me behaving. Crapping, never say anything that is sad, talking things that are simple and hopefully people will not be depressed with me around. My world seemed to be bright, innocent and happy place. Nonetheless, consciously or unconsciously, i can't make myself to do so. Especially these few weeks.

From someone who never show his weakness and sadness, to someone who does so. So sad. And i realised the more i tried to surpress it, to more it will bounce back. It was to the extent that i can't listen to my own voice eventually. My previous post abt cleaning of rubbish cart, i forgot to say how i was feeling then. Nonetheless, the thing is my mind went blank at that time, too many things flashing through my head that i don't know what to think.

As much as i tried to achieve purity and not being affected by the ugly things or problems around me, those things are staining me from time to time. I feel so dirty, the exact same phrase i've been complaining for the past week, both literary and non literary that is. My beautiful bubbly world is about to burst, or has it been so already?

The only one who can give me the momentary peace has already been deleted away from my memory, i hope. You can never put two people with problems together, a bigger problem will be formed. At times, i wondered if this only person is creating another problem for me or not. Haiz..

I feel that i'm becoming the person i've always hated.Part of me was telling me not to think about it as it will make ur life less depressing, like what i always do, while another part of me was telling me to face it, for what will be will be, its a matter of time. I feel like escaping more right now, i alone can't make myself shine...

I'm starting to forget my pillar of strength that have been supporting me for yrs. I'm forgotten the reasons why i told myself not to run away from my problems, or to be fearless in the past. There left only a few things that can support me now, i can't afford to lose them.

So much things to complete, so little time. I got so much to lose. So sad. i think i'm suffering from depression.

To those few fans whom i'm willing to share my blog with, pls do not let me know that u've read this. I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts im having right now, quite contradictory to several of my previous post, but hey! who doesn't have highs and lows? as much as i wanted to find someone to complain to, my pride doesn't let me, not yet... not now.

|[ zofz | 12:18 AM ]|

Friday, January 20

sleepless week x Er xin

At last, i've made my new bunk homely. With nice bedsheet, own pillow and bolster, and entire compartment of food including hello panda and love letters. (i'll post up some pics if possible on my bed and cabinet next week if possible). For the past week i had absolutely no disturbed sleep. Ironically, i slept an average of 5-6 hrs everyday. As a result it made me easily irritated. kept on 'shua pi qi' and yk, gan and wk.

And i realised that wk is one of the few people exist in this world that can easily made me lose my temper. If it is me in the past, i think i would have unleashed all my frustration on him.

I think i've made a great contribution to the entire unit yesterday. For i, together with dev and raymond, had washed a super er xin disgustingly disgusting rubbish cart.
Normally, those people would just push the cart loaded fully with trashbags containing rubbish outside camp for disposal. Nonetheless, there are always people who threw their rubbish into the cart directly and not inside a trashbag, as a result creatures were attracted.

The big rubbish cart we had were coated with a thick layers of black 'beans' its either the droppings of some creature or its eggs. It is as though someone pour two large boxes of cearal cornflakes into the cart. White maggots were found all over. Three of us used our barehands to take out all the thrashbags out from the cart. Raymond said,'lets clean it'.

'something must be done', i thought

With that, dev and i turned the cart over and used a rake to dig out all the rice, maggots, droppings/eggs. Raymond took the hose to wash out everything and turned it back. All the yucky things were plunged out from the hole below the cart.

Our day was totally ruined by the unsightly scene.

Maybe they should include stunt inside fearfactor, "Washing Rubbish Cart".

|[ zofz | 11:54 PM ]|

Sunday, January 15

concert x sore throat

sang and sang and scream the entire night.
i know how to sing 85% of all the songs.
very shuang.
all of her songs from my blog were out, excluding wangzhimian and taowang.
If i'm not a person who suspects alot, i would have thought she was trying to hint something for tonights concert.... her choice of songs especially.
She sang 'my desired happiness' super fast, gan pai zi... don't know why.

i don't think i can receive any phone call during my duty anymore.. ...

kite
ben
shenqi
nandeyijian
wobuai
xingfu
firstday
zhilaizhiwang
chaokuaigan
shuitangcheyan
manmanlai
tonglei
zhong
silent all these years
wodeai
perfectday
yujian
the moment

encore:green light
2nd last track of newest album (forget what name le)
tian hei hei

(excluding those songs from guest performers like fir and tanya)

|[ zofz | 1:05 AM ]|

Friday, January 13

random thoughts

Always have some random thoughts throughout the week, and for that i've mentally written down some post and intend to type them down upon me coming back home. It is so much to the extent that at times i forgotten ive even typed them out or not.

One of those thoughts is the one i had last wed.

1) I've learnt the ganesha is good at judging character of people perhaps as good as good, if not better. Just as i was on guard with someone we have, ganesha was already warning me to be careful of this particular person. For me, people who i judged as 'not good', i would not bother to even talk to them. For this person he was not easy to the extent that i've decided to talk to him, and even told him some things about myself, which i've never shared with anyone in the army. Hopefully he'll understand that i'm not easy as i wanted everyone to think.

This one has been in my mind for quiet sometime liaoz.
2) There are 2 things i've been doing for the past few months which i've kept almost everyone around me in the dark. one Of which, only my friends from ajc knows. The second is really a secret, no one knows. Certainly, there are people who are already suspicious of what i've been doing as i've left tell tale signs unknowingly. Till the time comes, but for now i'm not ready to share.

last night
3) Chit chat with my new medic yg, find out that he is really interesting. Wondered if all medics are like that. Nonetheless, there is something about him that is not right, but just couldn't pin point what is it. I'm going to try out something to test him out, lets hope i'm wrong about this this time.

4) have not been eating dinner and breakfast for the past week. First time in my life having gastic pains. It was even worst today for i didn't have lunch... ... too busy with everything... ... i think i'll eat till i turn purple during this weekend, replenish what is lost.

|[ zofz | 10:48 PM ]|

Coming back home

Was suddenly reminded of another thing upon coming back home. Thanks to mother who was preparing strange food all of a sudden. Today is the death day of one of my relative. Blood wise he is close, relationship wise, though i see him every yr i've never talk to him. Either way, it has been a yr now.

I went thru my past entries to find out what i've wrote last yr as i know i would have written something. Nonetheless, realised that i've started this blog last yr feb.

As mentioned, i've not cried due to emotion for more than 10 yrs. That funeral was the one which i have the urge to do so. It was not because he was gone, but because of the life he lived compared with the funeral he had.

What for having a grand, big scale funeral when he was being neglected during the final yrs of his life?

And when i say grand and big scale, i really meant it. With bridge constructed for the ritual, the entire percussion and band, relative whom i've never seen in my life dug out just to attend the ritual. A total of 20-30 people. The entire 2-3 days of ritual was just hypocrisy. everything was So fake. And the phrase i always used 'deception of beauty'.

I always gave a sigh everytime my bus passed by his old home at tampines. At times i would just forgotten about his death and though that i might just see him walking along the road while i took the bus from my camp to the mall. Sigh even greater upon recalling that he doesn't exist anymore. From time to time, i was reminded of a nursing home i have just beside my camp. It is a place i try to forget as this exact place was his final resting place. I really don't know what to feel.

We had never spoken to each other. Strangely, his death had taught me a lesson, a lesson i'll not forget. It is as though he is speaking to me. Perhaps what was said is true, upon one's death, those who live gets stronger.

|[ zofz | 9:44 PM ]|

Fullmoon

Was rather surprised to see the fullmoon on my way back home by bus. It had been quite sometime since i've have the time to even raise my head up to have a look at the normal moon itself. Even if i had, it was too cloudy to even notice it.

Suddenly rmb of the song i've written halfway last year, 'finding fullmoon', the second english song i've written so far. Its incomplete. And that reminded me of the many things i've wanted to do last yr. Complete my book, draw my 3rd drawing for the year, compose my songs (with the music of course), refine my german... ...

sad sad sad.

Incomplete... I hate things that is done halfway, dangling in mid air. Draggy i would say. I dont like things like that, i don't have the patience, I just realised.

What can i do? Got no time to lose.

|[ zofz | 9:29 PM ]|

Tuesday, January 10

moved~!

I've bought a new soft and comfortable pillow two weeks ago.
I've bought a set of smooth beautiful navy blue bed sheet, pillow and boaster case 3 days ago
I'll be buying a booster soon.

I've moved to my new bunk at last! No more sponge mattress, no more disgustingly disgusting bed board that has patches of dried sweat. Best of all no more er xin singlet, shorts and underwear lying around all over the room, so er xin that the owner dare not claims it..

That is why for a start i'll make sure that i make myself comfortable and homely. Even for my chef bear which i've collected last week, i've decided to leave it in camp to accompany me to sleep. Very soon, i think, i'll start bringing in my soft toys and decorations from home to camp.
(i've already brought my entire toiletries and skin care products in camp, what more is left?)

I've not purposely made any new yr resolutions, yet unconsciously i've already planned and decided my route for the yr. I know what i want and i want it now...! No time to lose.

A Grand Appearance...

|[ zofz | 1:03 AM ]|

Monday, January 9

frightens all ur worries away

I've promised myself before that i'll never watched horror movie by myself the last time.
Nonetheless, i just went to watch a horror movie with army friend just now..

There are new worries for me upon the start of the yr and especially for the phrase i always use 'deception of beauty'. These made me so unbecoming of myself. Since when i'm troubled?

All these negative feelings were all frightened away during this movie. I guess, one from time to time must get in touch with one's emotion.

|[ zofz | 11:54 PM ]|

Sunday, January 8

seeing them around

Seemed to be seeing my unit pioneers all around singapore. It was as though they are having outings upon any free time.

The last time was in cineleisure, today was in toa p.
I was asking them, 'issant it silly to be seeing one another after doing so in camp already.'
Can't remember their reply as all replied all at once. It was something like they are so close and they enjoy being out etc...

come to think of it I don't mind going out with my unit people, but it is always others who is the limiting and the variable.

Ended up, i went dinner with them and at last got their names right.

|[ zofz | 12:17 AM ]|

Saturday, January 7

"... There are people you meet who walk in and out of your life like ghosts, and after they're gone, you find that they've left a part of themselves with you. It's as if, in some small way, their spirit helps to find who you are and what you want to bring to the world. I had the power once but I let it slip through my fingers like sand. This time I'm going to keep it..."

Just find this phrase very cool, exactly expressed out nicely the concept i 've been thinking. Will add it into my book...

|[ zofz | 11:18 PM ]|

lost

Sometimes, it is a bad idea making an agreement with yourself. For a simple reason, you will break it, and when u do so you will tend to give all sort of excuse to explain youself.

I must admit, i've made a pact with myself never get angry easily and never to start using violence. From pinching and hiting and poking others in primary to throwing things out of the window and slapping others in sec to punching others till the extend they bleed in jc... Most of which i regreted the next moment i did it.

Perhaps it is my survival instinct or my dark side or just my philosophy, 'if someone hit you, you hit them back 10 fold.'

I always hate losing to myself. Guess, i've lost again... ...

|[ zofz | 12:28 AM ]|

Monday, January 2

made another decision

I've just made another decision that will change my life.
Feel like crying now.
I'll sleep early for tonight and perhaps cry myself to sleep...

|[ zofz | 12:02 AM ]|

Sunday, January 1

new year

last food for the yr 2005, mac apple pie.
first food for the yr 2005, the imitation ferraro roache which i bought for just $3.

Today is the date that i can finally get my well deserve rest after 1 week of outing marathon.
There are things i planned to do the beginning of last yr, but always never have the chance to do so. Too busy with work, contrary to what all of my friends think. That was why i don't want to waste anytime staying around doing senseless things. There are things i need to do so that i will not regret. I never regret.

2006 will be a super exciting yr, i got no time to waste. Feelings right ready to go...

Billy bommers called me the day before, saying i've won a competition i took part conveniently the last time i went there and need to collect my prizes.
What a present surprise to end the yr, and i think i'll surprise my friends upon saying what competition it was.
I was enjoying my meal with ganesha when the waitress came to us to ask if we were interested in participating. It was a mini essay to write about 'your best/worst restaurant experience you had'. Normally, i will just shoo the waitress away, but ganesha, seeing how cute the waitress is decided to have a try. We had plenty of time anyway, so i just play along.
Since i won the competition, i supposed my english has improved to the extent that its award winning... haha

Suddenly feel like going for the concert on the 14th... kommst du mit?

|[ zofz | 12:33 PM ]|