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Gliding through with eternal flame, who will keep it sane?
Rooted on the ground, watching over all year round
me
Very tenacious and danger prone person, don't come near me, will pull you down or unfortunate events will befall, whichever is earlier.
I know what i want, has my own set of rules and tend to think 3 steps ahead. checkmate!
People say that i think simple, thats what i want them to think or perhaps whats what i am. Things tend to be simple when u have your own rules and mindset, don't you think so?
I like to get things done, and believe that the best way to do so is to do it by yourself. I only believe myself.
I perfer to think problems I encountered as a kind of game or performance, with me being the spectator asking both the players, 'what will you do?'. Things are much easier to solve if you are not involved, and the process is much more enjoyable, doesn't it?
Like maths, hate politics. Maths is the only thing that seems logical nowadays. Somesay politics is a kind of maths, mathematically speaking.
I only hesitate when i'm uncertain of being able to complete the task perfectly. And in a way, creating more problems by not trying. That is something i'm working on, hopefully.
I only hang around with people i feel comfortable with, and will not even talk to those otherwise... unless it is necessary for me to achieve my goals that is.
Someone once said,'curiosity doesn't kill the cat, boredom will'. Thats why when i feel like doing something, i'll do it, in my own pace that is.
Live dangerously with me... ...
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Sunday, August 20
hide its scars and continue shining brightly
Went to pick up mother from hospital yesterday.
I feel that i still can't make myself to face problems and to accept responsibilities. I'm still doing what everybody do best, to run away.
Instead of doing what a normal people will usually do like calling up the hospital to ask "whats the condition?" or "how is she? is she alright?" or "is there any complications" or even simple things like "hows the room? can she sleep well?".... i did nothing.
I purposely didn't make the effort to know of the operation date. Purposely pretend to be busy, finding the excuse not to call her during her stay in hospital. Cos by not knowing anything, i wouldn't have the obligations to do anything. For that i disappoint myself. Even picking her up yesterday was something i was not intending to do so. I was obligated to go since i was at home and i was forcefully fed with the details. I was torn between both sides upon entering her ward. Wondering if i shld say the right things or not. I shld be saying things like "how are u? what did the doctor say about ur condition?" Things that would show that i care for her condition. But instead i said,"Wah!! so comfortable har! go tv leh... the scenary so nice somemore! like living in hotel or in aeroplane liddat leh!" This type of behaviour has already been rooted deep within me. This type of light hearted attitude was formed so long ago that i can't remember when i started doing so. It was originally meant for me to say something stupid or silly to make people less serious of the problems they are facing and hopefully make people laugh.
Nonetheless, i feel that by doing so, i'm making the impression that i'm not at all concern. People would normally think that i do not care much. Being blatant, insensitive and stuff... Things became more touchy upon returning home when mother needed to climb up the stairs to her room. Feeling that its easier to crawl up herself without anyone help her, she literally climbed the stairs with all four. Imagine just being discharge from hospital after operation and you are too pain and weak to even walk up the stairs, you ended up needing to crawl up the stairs with all 4 limbs... Feeling helpless and sad, i once again did something i always do to cover up my emotions. I laughed.... ... Knew it all along that i need to be stronger and to change, i promised myself to be so. More time is needed for me, i think. i'll be just like the moon to hide my scars and continue shining brightly.
|[ zofz | 3:43 PM ]|
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