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Friday, August 4

calm before the storm...

I must officially announce that for today, tml and the day after, i'll be very free. The next two week will be terrible.

It is only during this calm situation when i started thinking even more...

1) First thing first. I ran 16km this morning. The problem with me running long distances is that my mind, if not focus, will start drifting and start to think of things i've never thought of before. So during the 80mins run, i started to think and think and think.

For some reason, i though of the point of me being myself. There isn't really anything in the world that is truly belongs to me. Things that i owe comes from $$ which i earn with blood and sweat. And even the body doesn't belongs to me, it belongs to the parent. So in a way, the only things that really belongs to me is just my spirit.

Then along the way i started thinking of other rubbish similar to this...

And yah, i ended up coming in the top 8 during this run of more than 100 people.


2) Reached home at around 8pm.
It has been a long time since i've sat down with mother to chit chat. She said something abt operation and will not be able to do anything for the next two months. this operation has been drag for years for the simple fact that she cannot afford not to do anything for 2 months. Cos a)no one will be doing the chores b)she will not be able to move.

She started saying depressing stuff which i always avoid in past conversation. But this time i replied differently. There are promises which i need to keep to myself and responsibility to bear.
And i hope she sensed the difference and go for the operation without any worry.

Mother is a amazing woman who lives in regrets. She never fails to keep on thinking what if she had made another choice in the past. I wanted to tell her that her problems will always be there if she keeps on dwelling on the past regrets. The past make up of what you are now, there is no point regreting for the actions done. Regreting will only make you feel worst. i never regret.

Then we started saying the same old conversation abt how fortunate she is already so dont need to regret, but this time she added something extra:
"if your father got mistress or don't earn money, i will certainly be happier. Cos i'll have a reason to file for divorce. Then i don't need to have the problems to worry."

Then i started sharing to her abt a friend whose mother died years ago because of the father's sin, she replied,"I would rather die early, don't need to bother of so many things"

That really made me wonder why she always says i'm the one who is stubborn....

|[ zofz | 9:39 PM ]|