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Gliding through with eternal flame, who will keep it sane?
Rooted on the ground, watching over all year round
me
Very tenacious and danger prone person, don't come near me, will pull you down or unfortunate events will befall, whichever is earlier.
I know what i want, has my own set of rules and tend to think 3 steps ahead. checkmate!
People say that i think simple, thats what i want them to think or perhaps whats what i am. Things tend to be simple when u have your own rules and mindset, don't you think so?
I like to get things done, and believe that the best way to do so is to do it by yourself. I only believe myself.
I perfer to think problems I encountered as a kind of game or performance, with me being the spectator asking both the players, 'what will you do?'. Things are much easier to solve if you are not involved, and the process is much more enjoyable, doesn't it?
Like maths, hate politics. Maths is the only thing that seems logical nowadays. Somesay politics is a kind of maths, mathematically speaking.
I only hesitate when i'm uncertain of being able to complete the task perfectly. And in a way, creating more problems by not trying. That is something i'm working on, hopefully.
I only hang around with people i feel comfortable with, and will not even talk to those otherwise... unless it is necessary for me to achieve my goals that is.
Someone once said,'curiosity doesn't kill the cat, boredom will'. Thats why when i feel like doing something, i'll do it, in my own pace that is.
Live dangerously with me... ...
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Friday, March 17
disgusted
I'm disguested with myself. Feel so dirty.
It has been quite a few weeks since i've been behaving how i am behaving now. Keeping my expressions (and emotions) in place, giving out a blank expressionless face to everyone i met. Simple reason, i wanted to hide.
I dont want to show a sad face for everyone to see, causing everyone who is concerned to start asking me what is wrong. Nor i wanted to pretend nothing happen and start smiling, laughing and becoming the deception of beauty i always despise... i've got no energy for that anyway.
I'm talking things very slowly, moving like a zombie. Too tired to do anything. Yet i worked all day. Someone asked me why am i doing all these stuff, i just told them i like to get things done. Nonetheless, the main reason was doing it for myself, i want to keep myself occupied. Disgusting
I'm disgusted. Been laughing just for the sake of laughing. Saw the picture i've taken of myself smiling at lauch of ydc, my smile seemed so fake.
I've called for my friends for help, to keep me sane (or how i use to be) just for a few mins or so. There aren't many who has the ability to make me smile today. Yet i'm still unwilling to share the entire story of my problems. I'm hinting my entire fans that i'm sad, yet i refuse to tell them wats wrong. I'm disgusted of myself.
I used to have activities that i can do to let me stop thinking totally for the entire 2 hrs. 2 hrs of peace for a sum of money, i'm willing to pay. But i dont really have the luxary of time anymore.
I've reached the brim (once again) this week. I've started scolding people with harsh words. Poor yg,wk,yk and nv who are my campmates to name a few. YK and Nv didn't bear the grudge cos they were the only two i've leaked out a few of my problems and they are understanding people. wk is just too thick skin to realise that i'm scolding him and using him to vent my frustration. That left yg who was angry with me as i lost my temper at him.
Before i realised it, I'm using those people around me as a tool, a tool to make me feel better. I'm so disgusted...
|[ zofz | 8:18 PM ]|
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