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Sunday, January 22

Becoming what you always hate

People say that there are some telepathy connection among family members. I feel that it is true. At times i 'see' them coming thru the door or round the corner to my line of sight only that they really do so a few seconds later.

Perhaps i am trying to find a logical explanation for my losing of sleep...

Back to the topic. Mother called me this morning. Just as i thought it was those normal 'have u eaten' call, she was calling me to complain that both father and herself were unable to sleep during the entire week, both were very stressed. And she started rattled on about stuff like getting ready for another funeral, be prepared, get ready. It was the first time she say something like that. Couldn't help it but to be convinced that another vision of mine came thru, or should i say nightmare that i had. The entire world seems to be collapsing, for months at least. Just that no one in our family have the courage to admit it.

When i showed my sadness, those people around me will be concerned and very soon become sad as well. But when i start doing silly things or say strange stuff, others will start laughing and in a way happy. That is why, i can't rmb how long was it ago, that i've been behaving the way my close friends see me behaving. Crapping, never say anything that is sad, talking things that are simple and hopefully people will not be depressed with me around. My world seemed to be bright, innocent and happy place. Nonetheless, consciously or unconsciously, i can't make myself to do so. Especially these few weeks.

From someone who never show his weakness and sadness, to someone who does so. So sad. And i realised the more i tried to surpress it, to more it will bounce back. It was to the extent that i can't listen to my own voice eventually. My previous post abt cleaning of rubbish cart, i forgot to say how i was feeling then. Nonetheless, the thing is my mind went blank at that time, too many things flashing through my head that i don't know what to think.

As much as i tried to achieve purity and not being affected by the ugly things or problems around me, those things are staining me from time to time. I feel so dirty, the exact same phrase i've been complaining for the past week, both literary and non literary that is. My beautiful bubbly world is about to burst, or has it been so already?

The only one who can give me the momentary peace has already been deleted away from my memory, i hope. You can never put two people with problems together, a bigger problem will be formed. At times, i wondered if this only person is creating another problem for me or not. Haiz..

I feel that i'm becoming the person i've always hated.Part of me was telling me not to think about it as it will make ur life less depressing, like what i always do, while another part of me was telling me to face it, for what will be will be, its a matter of time. I feel like escaping more right now, i alone can't make myself shine...

I'm starting to forget my pillar of strength that have been supporting me for yrs. I'm forgotten the reasons why i told myself not to run away from my problems, or to be fearless in the past. There left only a few things that can support me now, i can't afford to lose them.

So much things to complete, so little time. I got so much to lose. So sad. i think i'm suffering from depression.

To those few fans whom i'm willing to share my blog with, pls do not let me know that u've read this. I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts im having right now, quite contradictory to several of my previous post, but hey! who doesn't have highs and lows? as much as i wanted to find someone to complain to, my pride doesn't let me, not yet... not now.

|[ zofz | 12:18 AM ]|