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Thursday, May 11

fear

For the first time after so many weeks, i've felt melancholic, sad and even being mean to a couple of people. This brief sign of depression was only for yesterday and abit of today only.

It all began on wednesday morning, with me having a strange dream at around 530 am. This is the first time i had such dream which i actually felt my experience of fear and courage so real. oh and i suspected i sleep talked.

It was something like this:
I was sitting down somewhere (during the entire dream i was at the same sitting position), with several people sitting on my left. We were having an execution. Execution using lethal injection. Before i know it, the executioner was injecting the guy from the extreme left. He died almost immediately. Then he continued with the next. There are around 4-5 people on my left, couldnt count properly as i was facing front, i didn't move at all. Suddenly got fast forward then reach to the guy beside me then he died.

For the first time, while the executioner was preparing the needle, he spoke to me,"may the god make you happy upon your arrival"

From the start to the point he ended his sentence, i was experiencing fear. The exact feeling that i would have felt in reality. It was like, 'oh i'm dying for sure within the next few mins. I'll cease to exist. I'll, cease to exist.i'm dying.'

But after hearing his words, i spoke,"god can not make anyone happy, only I, myself can make myself happy."
( i wasn't thinking straight then lor, dying already mah. but what i meant was god can not give u happiness or sadness, your life be it happy or sad can only be chosen by you alone)

My voice was loud and clear. I stared at him with a pinch of anger and courage. My mind was super focus by that time, i was thinking even if i wasnt able to fight (mentally) to stay alive, my soul will still fight on and stay alive.

Then suddenly i was thinking to myself, 'As much as i have numerous things i always wanted to do, the life i've lived so far has never been a drop of regret. (which is true) My life is fulfilling, enjoyable and special."
Started to flash back to the numerous things i've been through when suddenly my alarm rang at 0555am

I woke up with a 'wao! its all a dream...'
Immediate went to my office and shared my experience with yk at around 0615 before heading down to do duty at 630...

The entire experience was like what i would really have done when i'm at such situation. Then i started wondering, is my subconscious trying to tell me something or wat? People dreaming of death leh, of cos will feel abit of saddness one.


" I'll not let any one to take my soul away, the only one who can do so or set it free, is the one i've chosen..." -- arina

|[ zofz | 11:40 PM ]|